When non-custodial parents have their children for a few weeks in the summer, this can cause stress in the family for a number of reasons such as:

1. Regular Routine is broken for all family members
2. Non-Custodial Parent becomes a “Disney Land Parent”
3. Step Siblings may have to share their rooms and their Parents

Separated, Divorced and Step and Blended Families dealing with summer holidays can cause havoc for many people.  Working out a Summer Holiday plan is imperative to creating harmony for all the family members.  If you want to glean some tips from one family I worked with to help them with their holiday plans go to the Stepping Up July newsletter archive and learn more.

It can be difficult to understand why the children from the first marriage receive the financial support while the children from the 2nd marriage go without.  Things like braces, child care, sporting activites all come under the heading “special expenses” and these expenses are to be shared by both partents proportionately in income.  Although a difficult pill to swallow at times, remember that the children have no control on what a parent does and does not do so although the mother quit her job it still does not change the need for the children to have braces.  It is important not to resent the children.   Depending on the mother’s situation i.e. did she quit her job and does not plan on getting a new one or did she quit her job and is actively looking for something else – adjustments to the special expenses can be negotiated when she is in a better financial position.  For instance, if/when she gets another job she contribute more for the children’s sporting activity to off set the fact that your partner paid 100% for the braces.  Situations always are changing and it is a good thing when ex spouses can be flexible. 

Family mediation is an exceptional process for couples or families who want to resolve their differences.  The key word here is WANT.  Those who go through the process with their own agenda that does not include resolving the issues of course will not get much out of Mediation.

Mediation is a voluntary process that all parties including the Mediation can decide to quit at any time.  This does happen and should if it becomes clear to anyone that not all the parties are there to provide full disclosure with the intent on settling the issues.

If you have gone through a mediation to settle a family dispute or to assist with a separation or divorce – what was your experience?  Did all the issues get resolved or a least some of them?   

In most cases, a Step Family consists of one parent with their children in the home and the other parent with their children living elsewhere.  The Couple see child support coming in and child support going out which automatically can set up what appears to feel like an unbalanced situation – the “visiting” children’s parent already taking money out of the household income to pay out the Child Support and then when the children come for a visit, most times the parent pays for activities while they are visiting (family outings). 

It can be a real bone of contention for some families and many disputes and hurt feelings arise.  The following is an example of how one family was able to reach agreement in mediation to help “balance” the situation;

With the visiting children being old enough to contribute around the house – one family decided that between their four children and the parents – Saturday mornings consisted of pulling two chores each out of a hat and everyone’s chore was to be done by a certain time.  All the children were given the same allowance for their chores and as a family they chose what the fun family weekend activity was going to be after all the jobs were done.  With the visiting children taking part in helping to maintain the home it helped them feel included in the “family” while at the same time earning some spending money for the outing.

I’m interested in hearing how other step families deal with Child Support?

Write in and share your ideas…. I look forward to hearing from you.

The findings of three logitudinal studies of marriage, divorce and remarriage became the basis for the book  For Better or For Worse – Divorce Reconsidered  written by E.Mavis Heatherington and John Kelly.  The Virgina Longitudal Study spanned over three decades and is haled as the most comprehensive study on families which encompassed nearly 1400 families and over 2,500 children.  Among the most important findings to emerge and sited in this book are quote:

• Divorce changes people’s behaviour, feelings, friendships, health, and, in the case of adults, their work and sex lives.
• The end of the first year is usually the most painful point in the entire postdivorce period.
• Preadolescent girls usually adjust more easily to divorce than boys.
• Casual postdivorce sex is more emotionally risky for women than men.
• Men and women rarely marry the person they leave a marriage for.

Divorce brings uncertainty, stress and in many cases poverty.   It is an emotional roller-coaster ride for every member of the family and what can make matters even more difficult, everyone gets on and off this ride at different times.

How are you and your family faring?  I would love to hear from you.