The stress that families experience today is huge and this stress spills out into their careers.  The reverse happens of course which is the stress at work affects our personal life. In helping people as a Mediator means addressing work and family life since both are inter-connected.

Step-family life is difficult and it’s important for these families to feel supported and even more so when they become a Stepfamily when the children are adults.  It’s a whole new world of family systems out there so this blog is dedicated to Adult Stepchildren…. I know, it’s hard to grow up sometimes.

Our society is witnessing a new family structure that was unheard of a century ago – Older adults are entering into relationships well into their 70’s and even 80’s and stepfamilies are now being formed with adult stepchildren.

These families tend to be couple- rather than child-focused which has created a bit of a dilemma for the couple’s children from previous relationships.  The adult children sometimes perceive a remarried parent as too couple-focused and not concerned enough about their needs and the needs of the grandchildren.

Stepfamily dynamics can be just a complicated and stressful in stepfamilies with grown children as stepfamilies with young children. The following are eight common dilemmas faced by adult children whose parents have remarried:

1. Feeling emotionally distressed by a parent’s decision to remarry
2. Feeling rejected
3. Feeling betrayed
4. Experiencing feelings of anger toward a parent or stepparent
5. Loss of self-esteem
6. Struggling to accept a stepparent who is the same age as the child
7. Disliking overt signs of a parent’s sexuality such as witnessing the new couple holding hands, embracing or flirting
8. Problems coping with parental pressure to develop a close relationship with a stepparent.

Source:  from Corrie S., “working therapeutically with adult stepchildren: identifying the needs of a neglected client group” in Journal of Divorce & Remarriage. 37, p 138 copyright ©2002 The Haworth Press, Binghamton, NY.

The dilemma’s listed above are very similar to younger children in stepfamilies which results in the title of this article.  Do children ever grow up?   When it comes to our parents, and our sense of “self” and security – perhaps not.

Research has found that compared with biological parents with adult children, stepparents live further away from their children geographically, see their children less often, and have lower-quality relationships.

Older stepparents give less advice and household help, provide less companionship to adult stepchildren and receive less support from them.  The difference in support between stepparents and biological parents is especially great for stepmothers.

Adult stepchildren and their step-parent have not had the same opportunities to form family bonds as younger stepfamilies such as creating family norms and traditions.  Integrating people into families is difficult at the best of time – trying to integrate someone into the family when the child is 50 and the stepparent is 75 can feel almost unbearable.  This is why perhaps many stepfamilies give up and don’t continue the effort.  The adult stepchild is frustrated by what appears to be a lack of effort on the stepparent’s part and the 75 year old finds the “new” family overwhelming.

Yes, the 50 year old stepchild will need to grow up because here is a simple fact – aging adults have greater difficulty adjusting to change and routine is essential for many seniors as a coping skill.  They are not trying to be a “stick in the mud” – they are simply doing, saying, being that which they know and feel comfortable with.

It’s ok to have feelings of rejection or betrayal etc – and it’s important to deal with those feelings in a healthy manner.  If you feel like you cannot talk to your biological parent, then talk to someone else who can be objective and supportive.  If there is conflict and it is causing a huge amount of strain on your relationship, then see if your biological parent will agree to a family conference or counselling.

Times have changed and families are “forced” to see themselves in a new light. Adult stepchildren may react to a new “parent” by digging their heels and kicking and screaming but in doing so I ask just one question…

Do you know what it is like to find love at 75?

It is important to get important information out to the public and this is important stuff!

You and your family may not have thought long and hard about preparing to care for senior members of your family but with the shortage and cost of long term care, you need to decide when and how this will transpire as your parents, extended family and friends age.

Although it has already started, it’s not too late to attend the rest of the sessions – They are free and you will receive great information.  Free and Great are a wonderful combination! 

FAMILY CAREGIVER EDUCATION SERIES  

 This 5 week program provides an opportunity for education and support to senior caregivers in a supportive environment with lots of encouragement, motivation and fun.

It will also provide caregivers with tools to support loved ones and more importantly, the tools to remain healthy and well themselves. 

 Who should attend: If you are a senior caregiver (50+) to a spouse, adult child or friend in the Tri-Cities.

When:    5 Wednesdays beginning November 7^th  to December 5^th  2012

Time:     10:00am – 12:00pm 

Where:   Dogwood Pavilion - 624 Porier St. Coquitlam (Craft Room)

Cost:      No Cost   (Refreshments will be provided)

To register please call the Dogwood Pavilion at (604) 927-6098

Register early to avoid disappointment, as space is limited

For more information about this program please contact Karen Tyrell, Project Coordinator for the Tri-Cities Senior Caregiver Support Program at: (778) 789-1496

                    The program is sponsored by the Dogwood Pavilion,

and funded by United Way of the Lower Mainland

They have accumulated quite a few family assets over the past 20 years including;

1. Principle Residence appraised at $630,000
2. Two vehicles valued at $23,000 (hers) $9,000 (his)
3. Boat $48,000 fair market value
4. Cottage appraised at $410,000
5. Registered Pension Plans $65,000 (hers) $280,000 (his)

Total Assets = $1,465,000

The joint family debts include;

1. Mortgage on their home $220,000
2. Second mortgage for the cottage $180,000
3. Joint credit card $11,000
4. Car loan $15,000 (hers)

Total Debts = $426,000

Some people may look at this and be thinking – ‘what’s the problem, add everything up and divide in half.  After all, doesn’t the law state that a spouse is entitled to half of the family assets and shares half the family debt?’

50% Division of $1,039,000 (assets minus debt) = $519,500 

The short answer to this question is “yes” however, that solution would not work well for Sandy and Alex.  They came to mediation because they couldn’t agree on a 50% division.  Here were their issues;

• Sandy had an inheritance of $200,000 that was used to purchase the cottage four years ago
• Alex is 58 years of age and only plans to work another seven years so he had a lot of concerns regarding his pension plan
• Sandy is 43 years old and although she has a university degree, she has not worked for the past 11 years

The Power of Mediation

More Creativity and Flexibility→→→ →→→→→→→→→→→ No Creativity or Flexibility

                           Mediation                                              Arbitration                                        Court 

Like many people going through a Divorce, Sandy and Alex got a lot of advice from friends and family.  They also heard many stories of how people lost just about everything they had worked for paying for lawyers and the stress people endured going to court. Sandy and Alex were scared so when they came to mediation, they needed legal information while at the same time take part in a process to produce some creative proposals and help them reach agreements that were going to work for their family.

They had 6 Mediation’s – Total of 12 hours

They obtained independent financial and legal advice in-between the mediation sessions

The final outcome of the mediation’s resulted in the following agreements;

• They decided to sell the boat and cottage and reapportioned the net 60% to Sandy and 40% to Alex to account for Sandy’s inheritance.
• They agreed to each pay 50% of the family debt except for the first mortgage on the house.
• Alex remortgaged the house and bought Sandy out 50% of the appraised value.
• Sandy and Alex kept their own pensions and did not split.
• Alex agreed to pay Sandy $750.00 each month for seven years plus the cost of upgrading her education so she would have a greater opportunity to get a good paying job.  Alex is able to have some assurance that spousal support will end once he retires while Sandy has assurance that she has some income while going to school.

Is this a fair agreement?

To some, you may say “no”-  Sandy should have gotten half of Alex’s pension.

To others, you may say “no” – Sandy should have received 50% of net (after deducting mortgage) of the house, not 50% of appraised value.

It really doesn’t matter what you and I think.  This agreement is Sandy and Alex’s agreement.  They were able to get past the impasse and think outside the box.  Both were given legal information and both obtained independent legal advice.  The bottom line, this worked for Sandy and Alex.

Had they gone to court, they would have no idea how a Judge would have ruled.

1. Perhaps a Judge would not have reapportioned the cottage and boat
2. Perhaps a Judge may have ruled that the division of asset satisfied the need for spousal support
3. Perhaps a Judge would have given Sandy half of Alex’s pension and not take into account Alex’s age and retirement plan

When a couple decide that mediation is an effective technique to help them divorce, they put themselves into the Drivers Seat.  They can get creative and be fair at the same time and make decisions that work for them.

Mediation is about Empowerment.

At www.typesofcommunication.org they explain that verbal communication has four purposes.

Four Purposes Of Communication

There are four basic purposes for communication. Almost all of these purposes are better served through verbal communication than other options like E-Mail or print.

First, communication can be used to convey information. Of all the purposes of communication, this is the one that can be adequately accomplished through text-based media as well as verbally. Many businesses use E-mail or interoffice memos in this way. It is used simply to pass information such as meeting times or new policies from administration to employees.

Second, communication can be used to ask for help. Asking verbally for help has been shown to trigger natural empathy in the listener more than text-based communication. Often seeing the person asking for help increases the likelihood that a request will be granted. Like other verbal communication, verbal requests also mean that a request can be stated clearly and any miscommunication can be immediately rectified.

The third purposes of communication is to influence a listener or audience. This is the type of communication used by politicians. While this includes non-verbal cues like appearance and dress, the most important aspect is what words and syntax they choose to use. This is the most important component of influencing an audience.

The fourth and final form is entertainment. Once again there is a clear advantage to verbal communication over text-based communications. For example, most of the top comedians in the country make their living in live shows where they can readily interact with an audience rather than in text-based communication like books or websites.

I happen to think that the best demonstration of the importance of verbal communication is shown in this cute video

In my world, verbal communication is HUGE.  As a Mediator, what I say, my tone of voice and the speed in which I speak all play an important role in handling conflict.

Your world is no different than mine – what you say and how you say it can help or harm someone. 

We can read into body language many different things but folding my arms while talking to someone may just be because I’m cold and not because I’m trying to “protect” myself or I’m “defensive”.

I challenge the chart above, not to negate non-verbal communication but to give verbal communication a higher % in importance. At least for those of us who are able to verbally communication.

I have had the privilege of working with a variety of step families and all have an unique story to tell.

When couples come to me, they are often overwhelmed, sad, angry and frustrated with one another, the children and/or the ex-spouse.  Their built up emotions feel like a pressure valve about to explode for many of these families.  They know they don’t want to go down the same argumentative path but they often don’t know where to start other than into their defensive blaming conversation. They are soon relieved when they see that I help them start by creating an agenda of the issues and concerns they each have.  The guideline when creating the agenda is when one person is talking, the other is only allowed to ask questions for clarification of their concern, they are not allowed to negate what their spouse is saying -They start to get a sense right away that Step family Mediation is something quite different than what they expected.

My mediation ”style” with Step- families is a Facilitative/Interest Based style.  However, Step/Blended families need more than a ”mediation style” to help them along-they also need Step-family educational pieces along the way which is where my Step family Coaching comes into play.

Not all Professional Coaches are trained in Conflict Resolution and in particular High Conflict.

Not all Family Mediators are trained in Step/Blended Family Dynamics other than “surface” knowledge of step-family dynamics. 

Welcome to the Step-family Dialogues

In the Step-family Dialogues, you are going to have a chance to “watch” these families go through the process of Step/Blended family mediation.  As their story unfolds, I will stop every once in a while and shed some light on their issues since the purpose of the Step-family Dialogues is to educate and inform and hopefully assist anyone out there experiencing Step-family challenges.

All of the names in these families have been changed to protect their privacy. Their struggles though are very real and the strategies they chose are as creative and unique as each family.

Marni & Bill – The “Instant Mom” Conundrum

At 28 years of age, Marni was living the single life of working 50 hours a week as she focused on advancing her career while ensuring she relaxed and let loose on the weekends.  She certainly never saw it in her plans to fall in love with a man who was 10 years older but when they were introduced to one another by a mutual friend, Marni was smitten with this handsome, attentive and fun loving man name Bill.

Bill was attracted to Marni’s laugh and the way she seemed to command a presence when she walked into the room.  He could tell that she was ambitious as they talked about their jobs. He also noticed how Marni could light up a room with her energy.  She was a breath of fresh air after experiencing his divorce four years earlier.

Bill’s hard work had paid off and he was given an opportunity for a promotion but the down side of this career advancement was that he would also be transferred to British Columbia from Manitoba which meant that he would not be able to see his son Russell regularly.  This was hard on both Bill and Russell but they made the best of the situation and Russell spent three weeks every summer with Bill as well as every other Christmas vacation.

Marni and Bill decided that they would move in together a couple of months after they began to date.  The summer was just about over and although Marni had seen Russell quite a bit during his three week stay, she didn’t give Step-parenting much thought.  Russell was back in Manitoba and since this wasn’t his year to come for Christmas, she and Bill would have ten months together.

That all changed when Bill received a phone call from his ex-wife Liz.  Russell has asked to move to British Columbia to be with Bill and seemed quite adamant that the only answer he would accept from his mother and father was “yes”. 

Bill was ecstatic that Liz would allow Russell to move over 2,000 miles and four Provinces away and although she made some stipulations such as the Sole Custody arrangement was to remain with her, Bill agreed and the next thing Marni knew was that she became an instant full time Stepmother to a nine year old boy.

Marni had not been around very many children and didn’t quite know what she was going to do with a stepchild – never mind that she had even less experience with young boys!

Marni had to learn “Motherhood” very quickly and the quiet, romantic evenings with Bill were about to end.

To be continued….

In Chapter 2 you will read how Marni is literally pulling her hair out as she “bites her tongue” in response to Bill’s parenting style.

Did the yelling and screaming make you feel better?

The fact of the matter is the answer would be “yes” – yelling and screaming is an emotional outlet and the fact that each one of us have probably done a little bit of this emotional release would be to say that we are “Human”.

However, for some people, yelling and screaming is their main form of communication.  Why?…. because it works for them.

They get what they want, when they want because people give into “Screamers” because they:

1. Want to shut them up
2. Are intimidated by them
3. Want to avoid conflict

The motive behind “Screamers” is that they want respect from others, yet they don’t realize that their actions actually do the exact opposite and if there was any respect there at all, it is lost.

On the website www.communicationandconflict.com Mediator Alan Sharland offers three Principles for Communication and Conflict.

Principle #1: That we treat each other with Respect

The following are excerpts from his post:

“When I talk about respect in relation to this Principle, I don’t mean the fear based subservience that can occur towards people with power or money or status.  I mean the personal, open hearted consideration of another human as being of equal worth to ourselves, whoever they are, whatever they have done-and this also means not considering them to be ‘better’ than us – that’s back to the other form of ‘respect’ again.”

Principle #2: That we do not interrupt one another

“Whenever we talk at the same time as someone else, we interrupt each other and it is almost impossible for effective communication to occur between us.”

Principle #3: We have the right to pass

“Sometimes we want the right to pass.  We want to not have to deal with something or participate in something because, for us at that moment, it is just not what we want to do.”

These are three great principles for communication and wonderful rules to live by.  However, what can you do if you come across a “Yeller/Screamer”?

Here is a technique introduced by Bill Eddy who has his Masters in Social Work and is a lawyer/mediator in California.

This is called an E.A.R. statement

Respond to the person with Empathy, Attention and Respect

You may be asking yourself “How the heck can I respond to someone with Empathy, Attention and Respect when they are yelling at me?”  The answer is; with practice you can and the results will be a calmer person.  When you remain calm, the “Screamer” will actually mirror your response.  When you respond to a person with E.A.R. you are letting them know you understand what they are feeling, you are telling them that you will pay attention to them and you respect them for who they are.

No time during an E.A.R. statement do you have to agree with that person- You are not “giving in” to the Screamer but rather, you are simply responding to their emotional “cry” to be heard and understood.

Now, lets go back to Alan Sharland’s Principles and see how Bill Eddy’s E.A.R. statement supports Communication and Conflict;

Principle #1 – Respect

E.A.R. has you verbally acknowledging that person respectfully while at the same time letting them know you respect their “concerns, professional position, difficult decisions….(you fill in the blank)”  Word of advice here is to make sure you respond with honesty about respecting them.  If there is nothing about this person that you respect then you are better off not having a “Respect” response and just respond to them with Empathy and Attention.

Principle #2 – Do Not Interrupt

As soon as you interrupt another person, you have demonstrated that you have not been listening to them.  By practicing E.A.R. you are ensuring you are listening since you are going to let them know that the person’s concerns are going to be attended to.

Principle #3 – Right to Pass

Just as you Respect that individual you also can put boundaries into place which allows you to Respect yourself.  E.A.R. is going to let the “Screamer” know that they have your attention but at the same time, if they continue to be highly emotional then you have the Right to Pass and calmly let them know that you have heard their concerns and you will attend to some or all of them but in order to do this, you require some time to think about the situation.

The less reactive and emotional you are when dealing with a “Yeller” or “Screamer” the better it will be for both of you. Follow these Principles and practice E.A.R. and if you find any of this challenging then let me know and I will lend you my E.A.R.

The Nidus Registry in British Columbia is currently the only community-based resource in Canada devoted to personal planning. Its existence sets British Columbia apart as a leader in addressing the critical needs of an aging population.

Nidus is a Latin term for nest: a symbol of safety, support and self-development.

The Nidus Personal Planning and Resource Centre and Registry is set up to allow adults (anyone over the age of 19 in British Columbia) to make legal decisions regarding their health directives immediately or enable people to plan for their future.

This video is a wonderful example of what 20 plus years of community leaders, lawyers, advocates working together can accomplish by create a legal document that serves the needs of not only seniors but also allows each of us to plan for our future and not leave us or our family in despair or family conflicts.

Here are some terms that people should be familiar with;

Representation Agreement: A legal document that enables someone to represent you in health care decisions.  Two types of Representation Agreements exist – a RA7 is for people who need to make health care decisions immediately and a RA9 allows people to plan their health and some financial decisions in the future.

Power of Attorney (POA) : A legal document that enables someone to make financial decision on your behalf.  A POA can be narrow or broad in scope and is only in effect until you are incapable of making your own decisions.  Once you no longer have mental capacity, the POA ends.

Enduring Power of Attorney (EPA): A legal document that enables someone to make financial decisions on your behalf once you no longer have mental capacity.

Living Will:  A living will is recognized in the United States but is not a legal document in British Columbia.  You can write out a Living Will that expresses your wishes and give it to your Representative to assist them in making decisions.

That’s all the legal jargon I’ll write about today.  Although the Representation Agreement is a document that  is unique to British Columbia, I hope this blog has all of you thinking about seeking information so you can plan for your future. After all, once you are an adult in your jurisdiction, you need to know what to put into place so other people can assist you in health care decisions if you are not able to make those decisions yourself.

Car Accidents, Emergency Surgery, Dental Procedures, End of Life Decisions…. need I say more?

To learn more about The Nidus Registry their website is located at: http://www.nidus.ca/

I have been asked that question a number of times from Counsellors, Mediators and even the Stepfamilies themselves who are my clients.  The following is my answer to that question, although don’t worry – if you were to ask me in person, I do give the “Coles Notes”  version.

The original term Step derives from the old English word “Steop” which means “In place of or to Step In as a parent”.  Back in the days, adults did not live as long as we do now and it was very common for children to lose a parent due to death.  The remaining biological parent would remarry (since of course this was the proper thing to do back then) and that person became the “Steop Parent”.

Let’s fast forward a few hundred years and get into the 20th century.  The 1950′s was a time in American history in which the Nuclear Family was put on a pedestal of sorts.  Traditional family values were supported and shows such as Leave It To Beaver  showcased these values.  Although Step Families certainly existed, they were frowned upon  and even shunned as Families of “lesser quality”. They were even perceived to have less family values since they were not the revered “Nuclear Family”.

Let’s move into the 70′s. Many (and I mean a LOT) of these Nuclear families were not having such a fun time being together and the divorce rates skyrocketed.  The Nuclear Families and the American Family Values they represented were in danger.   As these divorced couples found a new love in their lives and moved in together there were a couple of problems with this living arrangement that needed to be addressed;

1. The term ”Step” was meant for adults who were legally married
2. The term “Step” has negative connotations attached to it “Death, Divorce, Grieving, Sadness”

So popular Media came to the rescue!

Someone came up with the idea of calling these families “Blended” Families. That solved the two problems mentioned earlier since Step referred to married and many of these adults were not legally married and Blended sounds so much nicer than “Step” and after all, isn’t it nice to be one big happy “Blended” family?

Well folks – I’m going to give you the real scoop of the term Blended Family.

The terminology of “Blended” from a Social Science perspective is when one or both adults bring children from a previous relationship into their current relationship AND THEN THEY have a child(ren) from this current union – they are then a “Blended Family”.

In other words, the child from this current union “Blends” the family together since everyone in that family has a biological connection to that child(ren).  The parents are biological parents and the siblings are half siblings.

Research has shown that calling a Step Family a “Blended Family” can actually set that family up for failure.  During the first 5 years of Stepfamily formation they are trying to figure out the Boundaries/ Rules/ Family position and Roles. They are hardly “Blended”.  When they and society put an unrealistic expectation on themselves by using this terminology they are adding stress onto an already stressful situation because they may feel like they are failing at Blending their family.

Society needs to accept and call Stepfamilies for who they are – a gathering of people from two separate families who have come together to create a new and unique family system.  Just as Adoptive Families and Foster Families are celebrated for their uniqueness, Stepfamilies should be as well.

Be proud of your Stepfamily and rejoice in your connection and know that in time you will “Blend” but at the beginning it may feel more like you are in a Blender.

To learn more about Step Families I have written an e-book called “Step Family Struggles-Step Family Strategies” which can be found on my website  http://www.stepbystepmediation.com/products.htm 

I have taken  30 years of research information, combine it with my 8 years of Step Family mediation and weaved in my personal experience of being a Step Daughter, Step Sister and Step Mother to create an easy to read workbook that addresses the key challenges Stepfamilies face day-to-day along with easy to follow mediation tools and technique I use to help my stepfamily clients one Step at a time.

However, besides the stressful situations that can drag us down or bum us out, there are just some people who for the most part ALWAYS appear negative and difficult.  “Negative Nellies” have that “ glass half empty” attitude and the “Difficult Dandies” seem to relish in arguing.

Here are some suggestions written by Lori Deschene (the Tiny Buddha) in ways to deal with the Nellies and Dandies of the world;

1.Resist the urge to judge or assume.

It’s hard to offer someone compassion when you assume you have them pegged.  He’s a jerk, She’s a malcontent. He’s an ____ (insert other choice noun).  Even if it seems unlikely someone will wake up one day and act differently we have to remember it is possible.

When you think negative thoughts, it comes out in your body language.  Someone prone to negativity may feel all too tempted to mirror that.  Try coming at them with the positive mindset you wish they had.  Expect the best in them. You never know when you might be pleasantly surprised.

2. Dig deeper, but stay out of the hole.

It’s always easier to offer someone compassion if you try to understand where they’re coming from.  But that can’t completely justify bad behaviour. If you show negative people you support their choice to behave badly, you give them no real incentive to make a change (which they may actually want deep down).

It may help to repeat this in your head when you deal with them: “I understand your pain. But I’m most helpful if I don’t feed into it.” This might help you approach them with both kindness and firmness so they don’t bring you down with them.

3.  Maintain a positive boundary.

Some people might tell you to visualize a bright light around you to maintain a positive space when other people enter it with negativity.  This doesn’t actually work for me because I respond better to ideas in words than visualizations.  So I tell myself this, “I can only control the positive space I create around myself.”

Then when I interact with this person, I try to do two things, in this order of importance:

• Protect the positive space around me. When their negativity is too strong to protect it, I need to walk away.
• Help them feel more positive, not act more positive – which is more likely to create the desired result.

4.  Disarm their negativity, even if just for now.

This goes back to the ideas I mentioned above.  I know my depressed friend will rant about life’s injustices as long as I let her.  Part of me feels tempted to play amateur psychiatrist-get her talking, and then try to help her reframe situations into a more positive light.

Then I remind myself I can’t change her whole way of being in one phone call.  She has to want that. I also can’t listen for hours on end, as I’ve done in the past. But I can listen compassionately for a short while and then help her focus on something positive right now, in this moment.  I can ask about her upcoming birthday.  I can remind her it’s a beautiful day for a walk. Don’t try to solve or fix them.  Just aim to help them now.

5. Temper your emotional response.

Negative people often gravitate toward others who react strongly- people who easily offer compassionate or get outraged, or offended.  I suspect this gives them a little light in the darkness of their inner world. – a sense that they’re not floating alone in their own anger or sadness.

People remember and learn from what you do more than what you say.  If you feed into the situation with emotions, you’ll teach them they can depend on you for a reaction.  It’s tough not to react because we’re human, but it’s worth practicing.

Once you’ve offered a compassionate ear for as long as you can, respond as calmly as possible with a simple line of fact.  If you’re dealing with a rude or angry person, you may want to change the subject to something unrelated: “Dancing with the Stars in on tonight. Planning to watch it?”

6. Question what you’re getting out of it.

Like I mentioned above, we often get something out of relationships with negative people. Get real honest with yourself: have you fallen into a caretaker role because it makes you feel needed? Have you maintained the relationship so you can gossip about this person in a holier-than-thou way with others? Do you have some sort of stake in keeping the things the way they are?

Questioning yourself helps you change the way you respond which is really all you can control. You can’t make someone think, feel, or act differently.  You can be as kind as possible or as combative as possible, and still not change reality for someone else.  All you can control is what you think and do-and then do your best to help them without hurting yourself.

7. Remember the numbers.

Research shows that people with negative attitudes have significantly higher rates of stress and disease.  Someone’s mental state plays a huge role in their physical health.  If someone’s making life difficult for people around them, you can be sure they’re doing worse for themselves.

What a sad reality.   That someone has so much pain inside them they have to act out just to feel some sense of relief-even if that relief comes from getting a rise out of people. When you remember how much a difficult person is suffering, it’s easier to stay focused on minimizing negativity, as opposed to defending yourself.

8. Don’t take it personally but know sometimes it is personal.

Conventional wisdom suggests that you should never take things personally when you deal with a negative person.  I think it’s a little more complicated than that. You can’t write off everything someone says about you just because the person is insensitive or tactless.  Even an abrasive person may have a valid point.  Try to weigh their comments with a willingness to learn.

Accept that you don’t deserve the excessive emotions in someone’s tone, but weigh their ideas with a willingness to learn. Some of the most useful lessons I’ve learned come from people I wished weren’t right.

9.  Act instead of just reacting.

Oftentimes we wait until someone gets angry or depressed before we try to buoy their spirits.  If you know someone who seems to deal with difficult thoughts or feelings often (as demonstrated in their behaviour) don’t wait for a situation to help them create positive feelings.

Give them a compliment for something they did well.  Remind them of a moment when they were happy-as in “Remember when you scored that touchdown during the company picnic? That was awesome!”  You’re more apt to want to boost them up when they haven’t brought you down.  This may help mitigate that later, and also give them a little relief from their pain.

10. Maintain the right relationship based on reality  as it is.

With my friend, I’m always wishing she could be more positive.  I consistently put myself in situations where I feel bad because I want to help, because I want her to be happy.  I’ve recently realized the best I can do is accept her as she is, let her know I believe in her ability to be happy, and then give her space to make the choice.

That means gently bringing our conversation to a close after I’ve made an effort to help. Or cutting short a night out if I’ve done all I can and it’s draining me.  Hopefully she’ll want to change some day.  Until then, all I can do is love her, while loving myself enough to take care of my needs.  Which often means putting them first.

I’ve learned you can’t always save the world. But you can make the world a better place by working on yourself-by becoming self-aware, tapping into your compassion and protecting your positive space. You may even help negative people by fostering a sense of peace within yourself that their negativity can’t pierce.

For those of you who want to know more about conflict, communication and getting along with others in this little old world we call “home” sign up for the Stepping Up e-newsletter. 

Here’s the home page to sign up http://www.stepbystepmediation.com/index.html

Next issue of the Stepping UP  e-newsletter you will discover how to Befriend Anger

Why is this important?

It is human nature to take things for granted - not because we don’t appreciate but because it is our “Norm”.  Just think for a moment of growing up in your family – Your family routines, rituals, interaction became what you believe was the normal functioning of a family.

Lets look at a few subtle differences between  Nuclear and Step-families;

Nuclear:

1. All members related by Blood
2. The pattern of family is “normal”
3. The children have no choice in home rules, beliefs and discipline
4. Position in the family is known i.e. Mother Role, Father Role, Oldest Child, Youngest Child
5. Legal relationship and obligations exist with both parents

Step-Family:

1. Related through marriage/living together
2. Different family backgrounds create difference in what is Normal
3. Couple must create a new set of family rules and structure
4. Position in the family is unknown or changed i.e. Does the Step-parent assume a “Parenting Role” or are they considered a friend or mentor?  Does the oldest child now become the middle child and has to assume a new sibling ranking?
5. The Step-Parent has no legal relationship with the Step-child.  No legal relationship does not mean no legal obligation however the emotional investment may diminish.

I have just listed 5 difference – there are over 20 that I point out when working with Stepfamilies.  Some have a greater impact than others on the family and each affect the functioning of Stepfamilies differently.

Knowing the differences helps a stepfamily to understand why they can not function as a Nuclear Family, some of the sources of Stepfamily conflict and recognize their own uniqueness within their family system.

Whether you are in a Stepfamily or Nuclear family it is an interesting exercise to examine differences.  For instance in a nuclear family the couple can list differences in growing up in their biological family vs how they operate in their existing family. Or differences in their beliefs, roles, rules from one family to another.

Just remember…. Differences don’t mean that one way is wrong (unless there was emotional or physical abuse of course).  Talking about differences can be very enlightening and can help to create a new awareness and appreciation of one another.

By signing up for the “Stepping Up” e-newsletter you will get great tools, tips and techniques to help your family communicate during difficult conversations.  Simply click here: http://www.stepbystepmediation.com/index.html